Finding Yourself
If you spend your life pleasing others, you may never get to know the real you.
This will condemn you to being an actor in your life, playing a role that you crafted in order to prevent you feeling uncomfortable.
But playing a role instead of saying what you really think and feel leaves you feeling ‘less than’, lost and powerless.
That's the story of my life.
I grew up dominated by a parent who was always upset. Never outwardly angry. Just loudly and painfully upset. Thus, from as early as I can remember, my mission in life was to make sure she didn't get upset. I was highly attuned to every facial expression and tone of voice that signalled a downward spiral, and crafted my every word, tone and behaviour to prevent this happening.
In sum, I became programmed to focus exclusively on her mood and behaviour, and in doing so forgot that I existed. My mind was focused outward, never inward. I never stopped to acknowledge how I was thinking and feeling, because the sounds of that other person captured my attention so completely.
I say I became 'programmed' because after I grew up and left home, I continued the same pattern of pleasing and compromising with everyone I came into contact with. I rushed to say something that would prevent them feeling uncomfortable. I agreed with their opinions in case they became angry. And even though I was aware of wanting to express a thought, I never did so for fear it would cause them to dislike me.
I became the 'nice guy', the one who got along with everyone. In my mind, I was good with people. I never upset them.
What I didn't realise at the time was that in deferring to others I established relationships that were unequal, where the other person seemingly had the dominant power. I felt this imbalance, became resentful and angry, but never expressed it. So as the years went on, I built a furnace of seething rage deep inside that ate me.
What I also didn't realise was that being nice all the time wasn't natural. I thought that that was the way to be a good person, never understanding that speaking your mind and engaging in confrontation created better relationships and got results.
This was my persona - the mask I permanently wore: 'the nice guy'.
The real 'me' hadn't surfaced yet. I remember reading a careers book called What Color is Your Parachute? and couldn't complete the exercises that asked what kind of person I was and what I wanted to do with my life. I had no idea. I was lost.
Because I wasn't being true to myself, my life was lived with a tone of anxiety.
Because I wasn't speaking from a solid place within me; because I wasn't doing things that I knew inside were exactly what I wanted to do; and because I wasn't even aware of what I was thinking most of the time, I lacked that sense of personal power that comes when you stand up and announce yourself.
But when we stop and acknowledge that what we are really thinking is valid and right for us and only us, then we start to change.
Instead of rushing to speak in order to prevent someone from getting upset, we can pause and allow the silence to let us in on our true thoughts and feelings.
And instead of discounting those thoughts and feelings as we become aware of them (as I still do today to some extent), we have another slight pause and honour them as belonging just to us.
Those thoughts and feelings just might rub someone else up the wrong way. So with a bit of courage, we acknowledge their potential and express them anyway.
This is the breakthrough we need in order to start on the journey of getting to know and like our true self:
- Become aware of what we are thinking and feeling
- Accept and honour those thoughts and feelings as uniquely ours
- Express them to the world
Now our mask is beginning to slowly disintegrate, to be replaced with a wonderful feeling of power.
I haven't dismantled my fake persona completely. Sometimes, when I am distracted, it expresses itself again as I fail to complain to the service personnel who have not listened to me. I still fear confrontation, but deep inside I am more stable.
It's a journey I will be on for my remaining years, but with each win, I get that small dopamine hit of personal power. And that's enough to keep me happy.
With best wishes
James
